Rockin' Moms
Push aside their hectic lives for a couple hours of jamming each weekby Katie Nowak
"The heck with The Rolling Stones,” Paula Messner says defiantly.
“Our stories are better".
What kind of band has tales to rival The Stones? An all-mom punk rock children’s band, of course.
Paula Messner is part of an ever-growing number of moms who rock—women who juggle the joys and challenges of motherhood, while simultaneously strumming a guitar, plucking a bass, pounding a piano, or beating drums. Both roles require patience, planning, and most of all, spontaneity. And some women find that music helps them grow closer to their children.
Almond Joy, Messner’s rock star alias in Detroit’s The Candy Band, and her mothers in arms make music that is the anti-Raffi.
"It was exhausting trying to find decent music for kids that wasn’t sex, drugs, rock and roll, or whiny,” she says. “I thought, let’s keep the rock and roll part, and sing about Play-Doh and playing and toys.” The band, together for seven years, is recording its fifth album, showcasing an array of influences. "On our new record we sing about monkeys, we sing about pirates, we sing about sharks—among other important issues,” Messner says with a laugh.
Kidspiration
But The Candy Band’s biggest influences are the nine children, split among the four members, whose antics often inspire original tunes. “When we first started the band, the kids would run crazy at practice,” Messner recalls. “They knew that, when music was playing, they could get into trouble because the moms were busy and distracted.” This became fodder for songs like “Time Out,” which refers to the day when the kids stuck silverware in the toilet and tried to flush it down.
This incident exemplifies what Messner describes as a constant need to be ready for change—a requirement for both her roles: mom and musician. With hectic schedules, she and her bandmates take advantage of their weekly two-hour practice window as an escape from everyday craziness.
What started out as playing for each other’s children has grown into almost 300 gigs to date, including a prime spot performing on the Kidzapalooza stage at Chicago’s Lollapalooza music festival. “We’ve gone beyond birthday parties in the driveway,” Messner says. This gives the band an opportunity to reach out to fellow mothers who appreciate the band’s music, Messner says, because it “rocks” and is “good clean fun.”
Messner, 45, has been playing guitar since she was 10. She took (and hated) lessons, until a classmate with a giant amp and an affinity for Aerosmith and Ted Nugent introduced her to rock. “I said, ‘Oh my God, teach me to do that!’” she recalls. "It bit me in the butt right there: I want to rock.” She’s been rocking ever since.
The Guitar Itch
Laurie Deans, 55, of Santa Barbara, California, also had a rock epiphany, though she was struck more recently than Messner. Five years ago, while shuttling her son to drum lessons, she would listen to the local alternative rock station in the car.
"It was the first time I really seriously listened to music in a while,” Deans says. “I was excited to hear rock music again. One day it just burst out of me: ‘I have to play electric guitar.’ Having [my son] involved in music made it seem accessible.”
Deans says her son was extremely supportive, and after she announced she wanted to play, he went out and bought her a used electric guitar. “He’s a very cool kid,” she says. “He and I play together, just like two musicians.” And because he has more experience playing with others, she says, there’s a bit of a role reversal. “He shows me things, and he loves that.”
A journalist for many years, Deans would leave her magazine editing job, come home from work in the evenings, and cook dinner for her family, finally starting practice around 9:00 or 9:30 p.m. Now she freelances, and the extra time allows her to take music more seriously, and to take more lessons.
At first, Deans didn’t know how to look for possible bandmates. "I thought, How am I going to find anyone to play with? What do I do, go on Craigslist? And say, ‘And by the way, I’m probably older than your mother’?” She finally formed a band with three other women—a bass player she already knew and two other women whose children were taking lessons from the same teacher as Deans’ son.
Deans found the guitar difficult at first, but the challenge motivated her. She discovered that mothering and rocking
require similar talents.
"One thing I love about playing music,” she says, “is that it’s incredibly humbling to know that you only get better if you practice. You don’t get to practice mothering. You do the same thing over and over and react. A lot of what you do as a parent is spontaneous, learning how to relate with your child. Playing is also spontaneous. I found it, as an adult, very freeing.”
"There’s no going back,” she adds, laughing. “I totally, obviously have the bug.”
Like Deans, Joy Zimmerman, 45, of Overland Park, Kansas, began playing music because of her son. Her
older son, Ryan, started guitar lessons a few years ago. "I sat outside the room listening to him and said, ‘That
sounds like fun!’” Zimmerman recalls. She wished she had learned the instrument. “I caught myself in the craziness
of that thinking and decided then and there to start taking lessons,” she says. “Even though I’m in my 40s, I can still play guitar.”
Zimmerman had previous experience making music, starting with the violin at age five, she played in orchestras
throughout high school and college. After college, she occasionally played weddings and funerals, but never saw
herself going beyond that. About a year ago she joined a music group at her church as a violinist, playing with two other members. The trio was so well-received on Sundays that they decided to declare themselves an official band, naming themselves On the Record.
Now, in addition to the violin and guitar, Zimmerman plays bass. “I’m having the time of my life,” she says. “My
latest musical adventures have woven together threads of my musical past and opened up the future.”
Zimmerman sees motherhood and music as linked, since both are creative ventures with opportunity to improvise
and develop your own style. “Like music, mothering requires patience, discipline, and sacrifice, and it brings intense joy,” she says.
On a more practical level, the double role of mom and musician works well for Zimmerman because, much like
Messner and The Candy Band, she can plan gigs and lessons around her kids’ schedules. One of her bandmates is
also a mother, which is ideal. “There’s an understanding there,” Zimmerman says. “The life experience of being a
mom brings depth to your music.”
Family Ties
Music has become an intergenerational part of Zimmerman’s family. Her eight-year-old son Connor “seems
bound for the drums,” able to discern the difference between beats on live and studio versions of her band’s
recordings. Ryan, who is now 14, plays a variety of instruments. He’s helped her learn the bass, while Zimmerman
has given him vocal coaching in preparation for the lead role in a musical.
Zimmerman strives to inspire her kids when making music. She hopes to pass on to her sons the idea that you
can reinvent yourself, something she has done through her own musical endeavors.
"I love bringing music to my children, exposing them to it, sharing with them,” she says. “We’re lifelong learners,
and life is a big adventure. You can create yourself late in life, and I’m proud to model that for them. You can find
your passion, and they can, too.”
