Do You Play the Dating Game?
by Gregg Raybin, director of The Jam NYC
We were good friends until we joined a band together. It was going to be really simple: pick some songs, rehearse a few times, and get a gig at a local pub.
I’m not even sure when the trouble started, but it wasn’t long before we were bickering over song selection. We hadn’t even made it to the stage when the accusations started flying: One of us was “selfishly shooting down” everyone else’s suggestions; another was “sabotaging” the project by not practicing between rehearsals; while a third cast member in our little production was apparently “in it for the wrong reasons.”
Who knew there could be this much intrigue in an amateur cover band?
The reality is that every musical joint venture is a social process, and an intimate one at that, even an amateur rock group. Sooner or later you will be forced to either 1) tell someone that you don’t like a song that they love, or 2) pretend otherwise. Either way, there will be pain. And that’s just one of many items on a grand list of potential pitfalls.
In a band, your issues (both personal and musical) are laid bare not just for a couple of select individuals to witness, but for several bandmates. The more bandmates you have, the more complex the web of relationships. If you think I’m being dramatic, do the math: In a four person band, any disagreement could split the group 25 different ways!
Given those dynamics, I don’t begrudge anyone who would rather “play the field.” When asked about playing in groups, my friend Mark says simply, “I don’t do bands.”
Let’s face it, some people are good at dating, others are good at long-term relationships. Either approach requires a completely different set of skills. It is perhaps unsurprising that good daters also tend to be “musically single.” You’ll find the musical daters at open jam sessions or in other uncommitted musical relationships.
At the other end of the spectrum are the musically monogamous, who tend to settle down with one band. I’ve never performed a statistical analysis, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find that most musical monogamists are married or in committed personal relationships.
But what if the converse were true, that some musicians in long-term relationships were nevertheless musically unfaithful? Would that somehow balance out the situation?
Ah, but it gets even juicier. Among the musical monogamists there is a subgroup known as the serial musical monogamists, who are faithful, but fickle. Trying to have it both ways, you can be sure that the serial monogamists will break your heart at some point. Still, should you get involved with one, at least you’ll have their full attention for the brief time you are together!
Lastly, we have the musically polygamous. These controversial individuals commit to more than one group at a time. Where do their loyalties lie? What is that other band offering them that your band isn’t? The insecurity that musical polygamy fosters is sometimes enough to undo an otherwise healthy relationship.
Clearly, there are advantages and disadvantages to each approach or philosophy. And you may not be able to do much to change your own (or anyone else’s) predisposition.
The point is to know thyself, and appreciate the benefits of any musical situation you find yourself in. With an open mind (and ears), you’ll grow with each group of musicians you play with.
For Further Information, visit www.thejamnyc.com
